One of the things I hope my kids will always say about me is that I am open and honest.  We have a lot of open conversations and sometimes what we talk about is considered controversial by others.  I’ve received some opinionated feedback from some over the years for my choices in those conversations, but the only opinions I care about for these conversations are those of my kids.  And although sometimes they don’t like thinking about a world where I am not right there with them, one of our main “controversial” conversations is about death.

I don’t sugar coat reality with my kids.  Some of the things we have gone through and experienced have made them grateful for this fact.  The same comes in our conversations about death.  They know I have a book I’m working on, with details for when my eventual last day has arrived, labeled, “I put the FUN in Funeral.”  In that book will be all the contact information, insurance information, funeral requests, and anything else that will make my passing easier on them.  And although the kids don’t like to think about that day, I know it will ease things to know their OCD, chronic planner, extra Mum, will have made sure it’s the least chaotic experience possible. 

Speaking about death, as a whole, isn’t really the controversial part of these conversations, it’s the content of the conversations I’ve received some flack about.  Number one is I don’t want my kids to waste money on an extravagant funeral for me; I want them to keep anything left to help them in their lives.  Because of that, they know I want to be cremated, but that I want them to use the cheapest casket possible for that process, even if it’s a cardboard box.  And with my ashes, they can dispose of them however they like, even if that’s the compost to let me regrow other things.  My body will be done and there’s no need for extravagance to dispose of it.  In no way is it meant to downplay my death for them, but for them to understand that I don’t want anything over the top when I go because I don’t see any value in that for me or for them.  Celebrate my life over mourning it.  I want them to take any money I may have and use it for their future as my future is done. Some people feel I’m being cold and heartless with this idea, but I like to think of it as being real.  

Another important part of these conversations with my kids is that it opens up the conversation and allows them to ask questions.  And there can be a lot of questions that can come up!  My youngest has already faced the death of his biological Mom when he was a toddler, so for him he questions what will happen if I die.  Will Dad get him a new step mom?  If Dad and I die who will he live with?  And he has opinions on who he’d like to live with, so I honour those conversations, too.  We have discussions about who we have picked for them and why.  The person picked will keep some normalcy in the event both my husband and I die.  They will make sure the kids stay together and stay in their home. These were the main two important things for us to secure for them while they are young. And as they grow up, we’ll update for their needs accordingly.  But how much easier for children to know what will happen in a difficult situation ahead of time instead of dealing with grief and unknowns all at once.

Another part we talk about in my eventual death is stuff.  I never want my kids to feel they have to keep any of it.  Things that were sentimental for me, don’t have to be sentimental for them.  The older I get the more I seem to purge so the less they’ll need to deal with down the road.  My oldest mentioned some art I have that he remembers the day we got it.  We had a conversation if that’s something he would want when I passed since he has memories associated with it.  He said yes, so later I casually put a label on the back that said they are his, “Mum approved” in the event of my death.  I figure the kids will have a good laugh once I’m gone to find things that have labels on them already.  And they’ll still have the choice whether to keep those things or not.  It really comes down to one main thing with me telling them to get rid of whatever they want when I die, and that is the removal of all and any guilt for throwing out things I have collected when I am gone.    

Above all, these conversations take the stigma away from death.  It allows for open and honest conversations about what is to come eventually.  I remind them that we just don’t know when the end will be, so it’s better to have this knowledge now.  And they know my only fear of death is leaving them before they’re ready to let me go.  For them, they grow up knowing they can ask questions and we can discuss them openly.  They can say that they don’t want me to die, or they don’t like thinking about it, but in the end they also have peace knowing that Mum has taken care of something for them that would have otherwise been a burden.  Our talks of death may be controversial to some, but for us, it’s just another conversation that brings us together until death takes us apart.