A conversation I have had quite a few times over the years with plus sized friends and on forums, is about the phrase, “You look like you’ve lost weight.” Although we know it is often done from a place of love, support, and hopeful motivation, this line is often a trigger to many who are overweight. Of course, there are a handful out there who love that recognition, but the majority of the time, those are people who are publicly on a weight loss journey and enjoy knowing their success is paying off. But there are always many reasons for fluctuations in weight, so for many who are overweight, that phrase is a constant reminder that our physical appearance is at the forefront of others’ minds and it becomes a catalyst for the negative self voice to run rampant in our brains. If someone is on a weight loss journey, they’re more likely to appreciate the comment, but for those who are just going about their life, what you think is a kind statement is actually going to have the opposite effect.

First, there are a variety of reasons weight fluctuates. Weight loss and gain can be signs of depression or other mental health changes, eating disorders, medication changes, age and hormones, changes in diet, illness, disability, and a wide variety of other reasons that aren’t from people purposely trying to lose weight. My friend dealing with cancer talked about how his medications have altered his weight up and down in ridiculous ways and quickly. Most people don’t know he is fighting cancer, so imagine someone saying to him, “you look like you’ve lost weight,” meanwhile he is fighting for his life. For me, learning to adapt to a new disability that doesn’t allow me to really be active anymore has changed my body where I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin again. As I test out different medications they also impact me in different ways, including up and down on the scale. It makes me fearful of someone using this phrase on me when I see them. For many of us, we are fully aware of how our bodies have changed and are changing, and the last thing we want is for someone else to mention it to us and draw attention to something that we already have insecurities about and makes us feel uncomfortable. But the most important thing to remember, weight and size do NOT dictate the health of a person, so there’s no point to comment on it anyway.

Although the intentions are often from such a positive place, it truly does create an internal, negative monologue for an overweight person who doesn’t want attention drawn to their body. When most overweight people hear the dreaded, “you look like you’ve lost weight,” most of our brains focus on the fact that you are physically watching those changes in our body. It mentally makes us highlight that the most important thing you notice about us is our weight. And the aftermath of hearing this can have a string of negative effects. For some people it can impact an eating disorder they may be battling. Others it makes them incredibly self conscious. Some will fixate on how you must be talking about them and judging how they look when you aren’t around them. That internal voice gets triggered to thoughts like, well they’ve noticed a change in my body, which means if I gain more weight they’ll be disappointed. The internal monologue of an overweight person is often more critical than you could ever imagine.

Some of the people I have chatted with about this topic have lines ready to go for when they hear this phrase or something similar. One of the most common I heard was, “yeah, I was sick,” as the easiest way to get out of the conversation and to make the other person also feel uncomfortable. And I have watched as someone has said this to someone in front of another person. I have never once seen positive body language from this phrase being said, especially around others. Your “positive” acknowledgement of a physical change can create such internal chaos within someone. I saw a video that discussed that unless it is something that can be changed on someone within a minute, like tucking a hair back, or zipping up their fly, you shouldn’t say a thing to someone about their appearance. So whether positive or negative, when it comes to people’s bodies, you should use caution and generally keep your mouth closed. If you really must call attention to someone’s changing body, and noting that sometimes there have actually been no changes or they have actually gained weight too, try using something like, “I really like that outfit on you.” Think of a compliment for them that doesn’t call attention to shape or weight.

And if you are thinking this article is an overreaction, despite it being based on many conversations with others experiencing similar feelings, imagine if we were to start saying things to people like, “Wow, your teeth are looking whiter.” or “Looks like you’ve got some of your hair back” because these would elicit the same types of responses that many feel when they hear, “you look like you’ve lost weight.”

So please remember that although we know the intentions are generally not intended to be mean, the implications are more often than not going to generate a negative response for many that you say, “you look like you’ve lost weight” to. Remember that you don’t know why there is a change with their body either, and you could be saying this to someone who is having weight loss due to an unfortunate reason. Likewise, where you see a loss, there may actually be no change or they may have gained as well. If someone is publicly on a weight loss journey, constantly posting pictures at the gym and telling you they’ve lost weight, then let them know they’re looking super fit and you can see the results of how hard they are working. But otherwise, when it comes to weight, find ways to compliment people that don’t involve their size.