Those thoughts of I’m not good enough have resurfaced again. That taught core belief that I’m unlovable as I am. That learned trauma that I’m good enough for a moment and then someone else will be better is consuming me. Meanwhile I am in a healthy relationship with an amazing man, who reassures me that he doesn’t want anyone else. He reassures me he loves me as I am. And no matter my state of being and mind, he is the light that fights the dark thoughts with me. Yet that taught core belief likes to echo and taunt that he’ll see the truth that I am unworthy. Part of my worth was taught in my younger years as the voices that I was not good enough bombarded my self esteem. The other part was taught through relationships, where they cheated, ignored me, blamed me, and showed me I wasn’t enough.
Deep down I know that the actions of others tell me more about those people than they do about myself, but the glue of who I am was built off of those voices and actions and some days it’s incredibly hard to drown them out. Some days I spiral into thoughts of just how much I am unworthy and disposable and it rips my soul to shreds. And then my husband sits with better glue and thread and stitches each shred back together to remind me I am not what they taught me I was; I am so much more.
In therapy I work on these voices that try to submerge me into the depths. The insight into the fractured self and what their needs are to still protect me now are fascinating as an outsider, but heavy in the moments. I’ve learned a lot about where this insecure, fragile person came from and why she struggles to accept the good in her world. Some days I win the battle in my head, and other days the battle continues. Some days I wish I could tell those who broke me exactly what they did and how it impacted me, but I also know this would be useless. I would be left with more scars from their unending uncaring for who I am and their lack of remorse for the trauma they left.
So I work on me. I fight for the parts of me that deep down know I am deserving, loveable, and capable. I fight to not have these waves of despair devour me. And I fight, because if I don’t, I’m letting the others who broke me win. And while I fight, I have my light helping guide me back to reality as a reminder that I was and am always deserving of the returned love I put out. It’s a constant reminder that fighting the traumas of my past are worth it for where I am now. So today I continue to challenge those negative beliefs in hopes that one day I can just enjoy the massive wave of love and good in my life without the doubt undertow trying to drag me back to the parts created from the dark depths of others.
Continual Momentum 