Trauma

Problematic People Pleaser

Katia H.Leave a comment

I had one of those lightbulb moments recently when I read that being a people pleaser is actually a trauma response. Combine people pleasing with a healthy fear of conflict and you have the perfect combination to put your needs and wants last. I’ve recently learned the term associated with this is “fawning.”

“Fawning refers to consistently abandoning your own needs to serve others to avoid conflict, criticism, or disapproval.”

So it makes sense that as I continue my journey of healing and working through past traumas, I’m now navigating negative emotions that bubble up when I realize how I allowed others to sway my decisions and influence some directions I took. There were a variety of people who both unintentionally and intentionally had control of my narrative so I could keep the peace, not bring attention to myself, and maintain a particular image others had of me. I like to think that most were oblivious to their influence over my decisions while in this fawning state.

Now as I heal that version of me, I’ve become very self aware of how many decisions in my life were made just to please others, rather than doing what I actually wanted for myself. And I’m finding that the more of the decisions I remember making in the past to keep others happy, the more I become frustrated with people and myself for the redirection of events and choices in my life. Being a people pleaser, with a fear of conflict, has caused so many unauthentic steps that I obviously can’t go back and fix; so, now I’m left to process and let go of the choices and mistakes made so I can calm that part of my brain that is currently screaming.

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I’m aware that not all choices to please others have been bad choices, but I get irritated looking back on specific things I chose that were the opposite of what I wanted based on the words, emotions, or attitudes of people around me. There were also situations I kept hidden to prevent my image being tarnished while I lived up to the expectation of who I felt I needed to be for others. And of course a deep rooted fear of conflict combined with people pleasing, prevented me from challenging others, leaving me to bury my own wants to avoid potential contention. Even writing this article has produced brutal over thinking and fear as I don’t want to be questioned on any specifics once this is published. I just want to heal and move forward in my own authentic way.

As I heal and get to know the most authentic version of myself, I can look at how different my choices would have been without the trauma based mental burdens blocking me. Some of it is minor and some had greater impacts, but each thing my memory recalls makes me feel like I was cheated of choice through being a people pleaser and trying to not hurt anyone’s feelings. The battle to become who I am, stripped of the need to please others and maintain a certain persona, has shredded myself into fragments that need to be detoxed of a fawning mindset. It’s a constant battle to allow myself to thrive without fear of opinion, judgement, and hurt feelings from myself or others as I navigate this healing. My hope is this self reflection and new understanding will allow me to rebuild and take shape in a completely authentic way that honours who I am without any fear of conflict.

However, I’ve discovered over this journey that people won’t always understand the direction and choices you make when you begin to put your opinion and choices first. In choosing you, you will sometimes be questioned, sometimes told you’re selfish, or have others discuss how much you’ve changed behind your back or to you. The reality is, there will be people who don’t understand who you are becoming and those who depart from their journey with you. I’ve realized that in choosing my authentic self it does lead to conflict forcing me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. And it takes a shift in perspective to realize, it’s a them problem and not a me problem. And that’s okay, because removing judgement from decision making isn’t about anyone else but you, your healing journey, and what you actually want for yourself.

When you begin to let go of that people pleaser state you begin to discover who you are independent of others and live your life more authentically. There may still be overthinking about the impacts and how someone may react based on your choice, but sometimes the old self, with that need to make others happy before yourself, or not wanting to upset someone out of fear of their disappointment or creating conflict, will surface and you have to tell that version of you that it’s no longer welcome. Making choices to keep peace and make others happy doesn’t lead to your happiness, it leads you to resentment when you discover your missed opportunities and unwanted redirections. It leaves others feeling good at the expense of your own feelings.

It’s sometimes hard to look back on your life and be able to see these moments with more clarity, but I’m working through those big feelings that come up with those memories. The healing journey is never easy, and deconstructing the trauma responses brings with it a whole bunch of other emotions to process. But each step of the journey leads you to the most authentic version of yourself and a constant battle to release the opinions others have of you to truly become who you want to be. Each magnified memory is an opportunity to tap into the feelings that surface to finally let more moments from the past free of their hold of you. Being a people pleaser is problematic, so when you can begin to choose you unencumbered by the pressures of others, you’ll discover a more authentic version of yourself who no longer needs to fear choosing the path you want. Now is the chance to carve your own path forward and leave the past where it belongs. But this time, instead of dismissing who you are to please others, you can finally move forward in the directions that leave you honouring your own journey.

Loving Me As I Am

Katia H.Leave a comment

When he decided his love was meant for me, I don’t think either of us knew the depths of damage from those that tortured my heart before.  So when the big emotions and self doubt rear their ugly head, I can rationalize why I feel certain ways and can pinpoint the choices of others that sometimes make me question my worth, but he always makes sure I am held and reassured that I am more than enough for him as I work to reset my brain back to the present.  And through his actions and words, he continues to teach me what love was always meant to be and help glue me back together when the cracks of self doubt break me open.

You see, before there was him there was not one relationship in my past that made me feel loved for who I am, as I am.  With my ex, I couldn’t talk about how I was feeling without defensiveness and hostility as a response.  I began to fear speaking up. My feelings that he was cheating on me were all in my head… until they turned out true.  Being talked down to in front of his friends was all in my head… except it wasn’t.  When his friend offered to push me down the stairs when learning I was pregnant, it was my fault for being upset and not finding humour in it.  When I begged for time together I was needy and stopping him from going out like he wanted.  Wanting help in the home for a balanced workload, I was just a nag. I came last to friends, video games, and his secret life.   And I was made to believe I was asking for too much and was unworthy of the attention I had craved, while also being labeled as toxic, selfish, and controlling in the stories he told others. 

So now, on those days the tears fall because I feel unworthy of this love I had never known before, my husband reminds me of all the reasons I am worthy.  On the days the tears fall because the voice of self hate is trying to shatter my existence, he reminds me what I need to love about myself and what he loves about me too.  When I feel I am failing as a mother, he reminds me what I do for our kids and how lucky they are to have me.  And when I feel like I am a failure, he reminds me of my successes.  The constant echo that I am not enough rings loudly sometimes, and as my brain tortures me, he puts everything aside to try to drown out the self hate he didn’t create, but wants to help heal. And when my brain is calm, he still reminds me of all this too.  For all of this and more, I am forever grateful. 

I know how lucky I am to have someone who truly hears and validates me.  As insecurities about myself crept in this past while, I could rationalize where it came from, but he held me and reminded me why that voice is wrong. When the fear of being left for not being a girly girl showed up, I could rationalize that my ex husband letting me know my lack of wearing makeup was one of the many reasons he was leaving me as the foundation for the fear.  Once again, absolutely nothing this man had hinted or suggested, but my mind took a simple statement and twisted it through this lens of experience. And once again he reassured me that my fears were unfounded and he loves me for who I am, as I am.  And he included that I can get ready quickly to go out and I don’t have products cluttering the counter as bonuses.  There was never any hesitation to celebrate it being a positive aspect of who I am. Whatever learned insecurity, he is there to argue against it.

In the past, my light was constantly being blown out by those gaslighting my way forward.  But now when my silly self comes out, he’ll tell me, I’m a goofball and it’s always followed by “and I love it.”  Before him, I had never experienced someone who created a safe space that allowed me to be authentically myself. The vulnerability and trust I have with him, allows me to finally become safe in my sophisticated goofball ways and know I am loved completely for it and all the other aspects that make me who I am.

This man came along and showed me faithfulness, honour, respect, and above all, what love should have always been. Someone who actually enjoys spending time with me.  Someone who will pause their game just to come tackle me with a hug, without me having to say anything. Someone who will clean the kitchen when he sees me struggling to accomplish my to do list.  Someone who tells me how much they love me every single day and how he is in this forever with me.  And someone who is empathetic of the past hurt that sometimes makes that feeling of unworthiness surface in waves of doubt that bring on a hurricane of tears.

Although the damage from the past isn’t always cracked open, it still has moments where it resurfaces, creating a vulnerable and insecure me who feels absolutely unworthy of his love.  And although I know that voice was created by others, he steps up even more to reassure me I am perfect as I am. I am not broken, needy, or too much, I am a victim of those who didn’t love me for me and who made me feel shame, unappreciated, and unworthy.  How unfair it is that he has to deal with the negative aftermath others left, but I will always be thankful and grateful for the reassurance that I am enough, even when my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I am not.  And with time I know I will be able to let the voices of the past go and only hear his sweet voice telling me I am enough as I learn to believe it finally too.

Image of a couple embracing in the distance.

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The Doubt Undertow

Katia H.Leave a comment

Those thoughts of I’m not good enough have resurfaced again.  That taught core belief that I’m unlovable as I am.  That learned trauma that I’m good enough for a moment and then someone else will be better is consuming me.  Meanwhile I am in a healthy relationship with an amazing man, who reassures me that he doesn’t want anyone else.  He reassures me he loves me as I am. And no matter my state of being and mind, he is the light that fights the dark thoughts with me.  Yet that taught core belief likes to echo and taunt that he’ll see the truth that I am unworthy.  Part of my worth was taught in my younger years as the voices that I was not good enough bombarded my self esteem.  The other part was taught through relationships, where they cheated, ignored me, blamed me, and showed me I wasn’t enough.

Deep down I know that the actions of others tell me more about those people than they do about myself, but the glue of who I am was built off of those voices and actions and some days it’s incredibly hard to drown them out.  Some days I spiral into thoughts of just how much I am unworthy and disposable and it rips my soul to shreds.  And then my husband sits with better glue and thread and stitches each shred back together to remind me I am not what they taught me I was; I am so much more.

In therapy I work on these voices that try to submerge me into the depths.  The insight into the fractured self and what their needs are to still protect me now are fascinating as an outsider, but heavy in the moments.  I’ve learned a lot about where this insecure, fragile person came from and why she struggles to accept the good in her world.  Some days I win the battle in my head, and other days the battle continues. Some days I wish I could tell those who broke me exactly what they did and how it impacted me, but I also know this would be useless.  I would be left with more scars from their unending uncaring for who I am and their lack of remorse for the trauma they left. 

So I work on me.  I fight for the parts of me that deep down know I am deserving, loveable, and capable.  I fight to not have these waves of despair devour me.  And I fight, because if I don’t, I’m letting the others who broke me win.  And while I fight, I have my light helping guide me back to reality as a reminder that I was and am always deserving of the returned love I put out. It’s a constant reminder that fighting the traumas of my past are worth it for where I am now.  So today I continue to challenge those negative beliefs in hopes that one day I can just enjoy the massive wave of love and good in my life without the doubt undertow trying to drag me back to the parts created from the dark depths of others.

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