When he decided his love was meant for me, I don’t think either of us knew the depths of damage from those that tortured my heart before. So when the big emotions and self doubt rear their ugly head, I can rationalize why I feel certain ways and can pinpoint the choices of others that sometimes make me question my worth, but he always makes sure I am held and reassured that I am more than enough for him as I work to reset my brain back to the present. And through his actions and words, he continues to teach me what love was always meant to be and help glue me back together when the cracks of self doubt break me open.
You see, before there was him there was not one relationship in my past that made me feel loved for who I am, as I am. With my ex, I couldn’t talk about how I was feeling without defensiveness and hostility as a response. I began to fear speaking up. My feelings that he was cheating on me were all in my head… until they turned out true. Being talked down to in front of his friends was all in my head… except it wasn’t. When his friend offered to push me down the stairs when learning I was pregnant, it was my fault for being upset and not finding humour in it. When I begged for time together I was needy and stopping him from going out like he wanted. Wanting help in the home for a balanced workload, I was just a nag. I came last to friends, video games, and his secret life. And I was made to believe I was asking for too much and was unworthy of the attention I had craved, while also being labeled as toxic, selfish, and controlling in the stories he told others.
So now, on those days the tears fall because I feel unworthy of this love I had never known before, my husband reminds me of all the reasons I am worthy. On the days the tears fall because the voice of self hate is trying to shatter my existence, he reminds me what I need to love about myself and what he loves about me too. When I feel I am failing as a mother, he reminds me what I do for our kids and how lucky they are to have me. And when I feel like I am a failure, he reminds me of my successes. The constant echo that I am not enough rings loudly sometimes, and as my brain tortures me, he puts everything aside to try to drown out the self hate he didn’t create, but wants to help heal. And when my brain is calm, he still reminds me of all this too. For all of this and more, I am forever grateful.
I know how lucky I am to have someone who truly hears and validates me. As insecurities about myself crept in this past while, I could rationalize where it came from, but he held me and reminded me why that voice is wrong. When the fear of being left for not being a girly girl showed up, I could rationalize that my ex husband letting me know my lack of wearing makeup was one of the many reasons he was leaving me as the foundation for the fear. Once again, absolutely nothing this man had hinted or suggested, but my mind took a simple statement and twisted it through this lens of experience. And once again he reassured me that my fears were unfounded and he loves me for who I am, as I am. And he included that I can get ready quickly to go out and I don’t have products cluttering the counter as bonuses. There was never any hesitation to celebrate it being a positive aspect of who I am. Whatever learned insecurity, he is there to argue against it.
In the past, my light was constantly being blown out by those gaslighting my way forward. But now when my silly self comes out, he’ll tell me, I’m a goofball and it’s always followed by “and I love it.” Before him, I had never experienced someone who created a safe space that allowed me to be authentically myself. The vulnerability and trust I have with him, allows me to finally become safe in my sophisticated goofball ways and know I am loved completely for it and all the other aspects that make me who I am.
This man came along and showed me faithfulness, honour, respect, and above all, what love should have always been. Someone who actually enjoys spending time with me. Someone who will pause their game just to come tackle me with a hug, without me having to say anything. Someone who will clean the kitchen when he sees me struggling to accomplish my to do list. Someone who tells me how much they love me every single day and how he is in this forever with me. And someone who is empathetic of the past hurt that sometimes makes that feeling of unworthiness surface in waves of doubt that bring on a hurricane of tears.
Although the damage from the past isn’t always cracked open, it still has moments where it resurfaces, creating a vulnerable and insecure me who feels absolutely unworthy of his love. And although I know that voice was created by others, he steps up even more to reassure me I am perfect as I am. I am not broken, needy, or too much, I am a victim of those who didn’t love me for me and who made me feel shame, unappreciated, and unworthy. How unfair it is that he has to deal with the negative aftermath others left, but I will always be thankful and grateful for the reassurance that I am enough, even when my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I am not. And with time I know I will be able to let the voices of the past go and only hear his sweet voice telling me I am enough as I learn to believe it finally too.
Continual Momentum 