Along with the physical changes long covid brings, there is also a substantial impact on the relationships in our lives. It took my kids awhile to understand that when my body crashes, I need to be left in a rest state to recover, unless there’s an emergency. They see the differences, grieve what once was, and know the impacts this illness has on our life. But whereas they get to see the impacts daily, I often feel that those outside our home struggle to understand how little I am left with to do the things I once did.

Brain fog brings substantial changes. Where I used to remember when people had appointments, procedures, and all meaningful events, my brain can no longer hang onto those details. So where I used to be able to follow up and check in with people, it is rare that I am able to remember long enough to follow up with how those appointments went. It’s frustrating having conversations where I get updates, because I feel like the person on the other end probably feels I don’t care anymore with my lack of follow up or needing to be retold what is happening. But my brain cannot process and recall a lot of the information anymore. My life has to be documented in a calendar. I get asked when something is happening and I need to review the calendar to know. The mental strain of having to enter everything into it is equally draining and it’s frustrating to know that a few minutes after I am told something my brain no longer holds that information close. This one thing makes me feel like less of a mother, daughter, sister, wife, and all the other roles I hold in others’ lives.

Another aspect involves the massive crashes. When all energy you have in a day is expended from basic tasks such as getting dressed, driving kids to school, and other basic needs, you end up further depleting your energy in the hopes of doing a load of laundry, dishes, or making a meal. So when almost every day you’ve run yourself to empty, it creates limited opportunities for hang outs, visits, phone calls, and things that draw from you even further. Combine this with those crashes where your body can’t properly function and you sleep for extended hours in order to recover, means that everyone, everything, and your life comes to a full stop. All of this makes you feel less than whole and a disappointment to yourself and to others.

I haven’t abandoned people in my circle. I think about them often despite my inability to follow through on connecting or remembering things they’re dealing with. I have numerous messages left unread until such times as I have the energy needed to open and respond, but I leave them unread so I don’t forget who is still trying to reach me. My energy envelope is so limited that basic functions often have to trump connections. It’s the unfortunate result of ending up with a illness that currently has no cure. So as much as I want to remember, reach out, and respond, most days I’m in survival mode and that means basic functions and further isolation from those wondering why I’ve changed.

I’m here. I just can’t often be there anymore.