I had one of those lightbulb moments recently when I read that being a people pleaser is actually a trauma response. Combine people pleasing with a healthy fear of conflict and you have the perfect combination to put your needs and wants last. I’ve recently learned the term associated with this is “fawning.”
So it makes sense that as I continue my journey of healing and working through past traumas, I’m now navigating negative emotions that bubble up when I realize how I allowed others to sway my decisions and influence some directions I took. There were a variety of people who both unintentionally and intentionally had control of my narrative so I could keep the peace, not bring attention to myself, and maintain a particular image others had of me. I like to think that most were oblivious to their influence over my decisions while in this fawning state.
Now as I heal that version of me, I’ve become very self aware of how many decisions in my life were made just to please others, rather than doing what I actually wanted for myself. And I’m finding that the more of the decisions I remember making in the past to keep others happy, the more I become frustrated with people and myself for the redirection of events and choices in my life. Being a people pleaser, with a fear of conflict, has caused so many unauthentic steps that I obviously can’t go back and fix; so, now I’m left to process and let go of the choices and mistakes made so I can calm that part of my brain that is currently screaming.
I’m aware that not all choices to please others have been bad choices, but I get irritated looking back on specific things I chose that were the opposite of what I wanted based on the words, emotions, or attitudes of people around me. There were also situations I kept hidden to prevent my image being tarnished while I lived up to the expectation of who I felt I needed to be for others. And of course a deep rooted fear of conflict combined with people pleasing, prevented me from challenging others, leaving me to bury my own wants to avoid potential contention. Even writing this article has produced brutal over thinking and fear as I don’t want to be questioned on any specifics once this is published. I just want to heal and move forward in my own authentic way.
As I heal and get to know the most authentic version of myself, I can look at how different my choices would have been without the trauma based mental burdens blocking me. Some of it is minor and some had greater impacts, but each thing my memory recalls makes me feel like I was cheated of choice through being a people pleaser and trying to not hurt anyone’s feelings. The battle to become who I am, stripped of the need to please others and maintain a certain persona, has shredded myself into fragments that need to be detoxed of a fawning mindset. It’s a constant battle to allow myself to thrive without fear of opinion, judgement, and hurt feelings from myself or others as I navigate this healing. My hope is this self reflection and new understanding will allow me to rebuild and take shape in a completely authentic way that honours who I am without any fear of conflict.
However, I’ve discovered over this journey that people won’t always understand the direction and choices you make when you begin to put your opinion and choices first. In choosing you, you will sometimes be questioned, sometimes told you’re selfish, or have others discuss how much you’ve changed behind your back or to you. The reality is, there will be people who don’t understand who you are becoming and those who depart from their journey with you. I’ve realized that in choosing my authentic self it does lead to conflict forcing me to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. And it takes a shift in perspective to realize, it’s a them problem and not a me problem. And that’s okay, because removing judgement from decision making isn’t about anyone else but you, your healing journey, and what you actually want for yourself.
When you begin to let go of that people pleaser state you begin to discover who you are independent of others and live your life more authentically. There may still be overthinking about the impacts and how someone may react based on your choice, but sometimes the old self, with that need to make others happy before yourself, or not wanting to upset someone out of fear of their disappointment or creating conflict, will surface and you have to tell that version of you that it’s no longer welcome. Making choices to keep peace and make others happy doesn’t lead to your happiness, it leads you to resentment when you discover your missed opportunities and unwanted redirections. It leaves others feeling good at the expense of your own feelings.
It’s sometimes hard to look back on your life and be able to see these moments with more clarity, but I’m working through those big feelings that come up with those memories. The healing journey is never easy, and deconstructing the trauma responses brings with it a whole bunch of other emotions to process. But each step of the journey leads you to the most authentic version of yourself and a constant battle to release the opinions others have of you to truly become who you want to be. Each magnified memory is an opportunity to tap into the feelings that surface to finally let more moments from the past free of their hold of you. Being a people pleaser is problematic, so when you can begin to choose you unencumbered by the pressures of others, you’ll discover a more authentic version of yourself who no longer needs to fear choosing the path you want. Now is the chance to carve your own path forward and leave the past where it belongs. But this time, instead of dismissing who you are to please others, you can finally move forward in the directions that leave you honouring your own journey.
Continual Momentum 