I see you. I remember that fear in those first moments of knowing the relationship was done. That initial heartbreak, shock, tears, and then the overthinking about what this means for your life and that of your children. Each situation is different for us, but the pain is universal. No matter whose choice or if it was mutual to end things, the whole world and comfort zone you have created is being torn apart, and you feel it all. You worry for your kids, you worry for you, you worry about loving again, and it overwhelms every inch of your soul.
What you can’t see right now is how you’re going to make it through but you will. I know you will. You are a mother and strength is ingrained in that title. You will start by working on the plans of who will go where, what it looks like for your kids, schedules for visitation or custody, division of assets, property, and stuff. There will be days you collapse into bed and soak your pillow in tears. There will be days you won’t sleep. There will be days you break down and can’t do anything. But even in those moments of heartache, pain, and difficulties, you will be moving yourself forward. You will be making progress. And soon you will find your way through this and into your new life.
I don’t know how it looks for you in your home, but sometimes the division of things can be painful. I personally watched my husband throw out our wedding picture in front of me while we divided up our things. He felt nothing for me, and told me so, so the pain of feeling worthless in his eyes stung to my core. I hope for you that you have someone who honours your time together. I hope for you someone who will empathize with your feelings in this. Someone who will let you know how much you were appreciated in your time together. I hope for you someone who will honour your pain and give you closure. But if you don’t have that, I want you to know that you are still going to be okay. Here I am on the other side of it, and I know you will be here too in time. What matters most in this is that all of your feelings were valid. Your love was real, your experience genuine, and you can hold onto that always.
Your kids will need you and the more routines and traditions you can keep up will impact them greatly for feeling secure. They may wonder what they did, and will need the reassurance from both of you that this has nothing to do with them. They will need reassurance that you aren’t going anywhere and may be more clingy as they process their fear of loss, grief, and abandonment. This isn’t just fracturing your core, but theirs too. But you will all rebuild your new life. It will be a beautiful family developing resiliency and grieving together. I hope you have a supportive coparent who will work with you at maintaining rules and consistency. But if you don’t, you will all overcome that hurdle too.
The beauty of this closure is that it is a new beginning for you. This is your chance to look at what you deserve moving forward. This is your chance to take everything you put on hold as wife and mother and reclaim it or start new things. Stay true to yourself in all of this. Work to avoid drama and hold your head high for the love you gave your partner. But right now, you get to redefine yourself on your terms, and it is a raw, beautiful process of who you are going to emerge as because of this change. I am excited for all the opportunities that will come your way because of the restart you are getting.
As you move forward now, create your support group of people you trust. People who you can call at three in the morning when you just can’t stand the pain. You want people who will come help you pack and clean the house if you need to move. And people who will tell you you’re doing amazing or guide you when you feel stuck.
A weird tip, but take pictures during this process. You’ll want to see how much you’ve been through. And there will be days that you feel like the worst parent as you are lost in your own grief, feeding them pizza for the third time this week, or just feeling like you aren’t present. If you take pictures you’ll be able to look back at what you accomplished and have pictures with your kids to show that you were able to be present and found ways to make them laugh and smile still in between everything else.
When you go through the separation agreement, I hope you can do this together with peace and the security of the kids as the main goal. If you can work on this together, there are great resources out there to support. You’ll go through, you’ll edit, and you’ll finalize something that will work for everyone moving forward. There will be challenges, compromises, and completion in this process. And this will be the stability that helps you both start to move yourselves and the children forward. It is a long wait before you can file for the divorce, but when you get that final certificate in the mail, you’ll be in awe of how far you have come in that time.
This journey ahead of you will be filled with changes and challenges, but embrace the road ahead because you have the chance to change so many things on your terms. You will heal, grow, overcome, adapt, accomplish, succeed, love, and so much more. And remember if this person has let you go, they are saving you wasted years had they stayed longer to avoid hurting you right now. You are being released to live your life and find your feet and as painful as this process can be, I promise you that there are many gifts because of it.
I can’t wait for you to look back on this time and realize how much you overcame and celebrate everything you accomplished. You are going to get through this and your life can be better than anything you could ever imagine.
Sending you love and support as you navigate this new road ahead.
Continual Momentum 