I’m sorry, but I’ve discovered I have a huge issue with the phrase, “I’m sorry.” It’s not because I struggle to say it, instead it’s how we’re teaching the act of apologizing. My problem is that when we’re growing up, “I’m sorry,” is taught to make everything better when we’ve done something wrong. But, I’m sorry it is not an eraser. It doesn’t fix or clear what was said or done. When a negative experience is done to us, it will forever exist in the mind of those who experienced it. I’m sorry doesn’t make a negative experience vanish, and often doesn’t make it okay or fixed either. We’re missing a huge part of teaching apologizing, which is changing behaviours.

We’ve been raised to believe that if we do something wrong an apology makes it better. It may be a start, but it is a long way from a solution. I had a child tell me recently that they said sorry, so it fixes the mistake. I had to explain that sorry is only the first step, but if you keep making the same poor choice, “I’m sorry” loses its power. In order for someone to believe you are sorry, you need to change your choices so you don’t do it again. That’s how people believe you really did feel bad and sorry for what you did. You can’t say hurtful things to someone, say you’re sorry, and then do it again; it takes away the belief you actually were and are sorry. If we don’t change the behaviours we are apologizing for, sorry means nothing.

What I’ve been teaching to my kids is how sorry, without a behaviour change, is an unhealthy choice to hurt someone else. Just like, when someone upsets them and they’re told, “I’m sorry”, I tell them that if this is a repeat pattern, they don’t have to accept or believe the sorry until the person makes an effort to stop doing the negative behaviour. They’re also allowed to say something such as, “thank you for apologizing, but I’m not ready to talk to you/play with you/ see you right now. My feelings are still hurt by what you did.” Just because an apology has happened, we can’t force or expect the hurt person to forgive and forget because of it. Sometimes they need more time to process and they need to see improvement in the interactions they’ve been having with that person. And they are allowed that time and space to feel better without being forced to pretend everything is better based on, “I’m sorry” being said.

One of the teaching techniques I use is the paper plate person. We draw a face on a paper plate and talk about mean things someone might say. With each thing we take a chunk of the paper plate away. And once the plate person is left in pieces we try to build him back up. As we say sorry we use a bandaid or tape to put the pieces back on. Once we’ve said sorry for each thing or used kindness or compliments to help repair the person, we can look at how the person has changed from the hurtful behaviours of others. This is a great visual for kids to see how sorry can help, but it doesn’t erase the actions done.

I really like another technique my son’s teacher does with kids. She uses a paper heart as the example. When hurtful things are said or done the heart is crumpled. When she opens it back up all the lines and scars are left on the heart. Once again, no matter how we apologize, the damage has been done. We can make it better through apologies and kindness, but the damage remains.

The last technique I’ve heard about, but have yet to try, is using toothpaste to make this point. You allow a child to squeeze out all the toothpaste from a tube and then tell them to put it back inside the tube afterwards. When they realize this task is impossible, then you can discuss how when we say things in moments of anger and frustration, we can’t put those words back. This is another way to show the importance of changing the behaviour instead of relying on I’m sorry to fix a situation.

The foundation of this lesson is critical for kids as they grow up too. When they get to be adults and have a partner or friend constantly doing things to upset them, who then uses I’m sorry, but doesn’t change their behaviour, they will be able to understand the situation isn’t going to change. There’s a quote out there that states, “An apology without changed behaviour is just manipulation.” By starting the foundations now, of understanding the connection between apologies and behaviour, we help strengthen our kids’ resiliency for later in life to understand relationships that don’t build them up and are built with a foundation of false sorries: it’s not a healthy place to be.

When we teach sorry fixes a problem, we’re missing the opportunity to correct the behaviour that leads to the sorry needing to be said. I’m sorry are words, quite often used without intentions, to make things better. We tend to teach kids that if they say I’m sorry, all will be forgiven, but that’s not how life works. When we teach children to apologize, we need to teach them about fixing the behaviours that lead to apologies. Of course accidents, such as bumping into someone, are a different I’m sorry situation, but when it’s a repeat behaviour such as taking toys, saying mean things, then lessons on fixing the behaviours and not allowing sorry to be enough are necessary. We need to teach kids that it’s okay not to feel better when someone apologizes if they’ve been hurt by what happened. They’re allowed that time and space to recover from the situation. I’m sorry is a step in the right direction, but it’s not an eraser, and we need to make sure kids understand that sorry without change is meaningless. And in these lessons, we will hopefully help create empowered kids who won’t fall for or use the manipulation of false apologies in adulthood.