Today I have the blahs. There are so many things spinning through my head and I can feel myself being my own worst enemy. So I sit, detached from the world, and embrace this blah feeling that has harvested within me.

I’m lost in that world of what ifs. I’m lost in that fear of what could and couldn’t happen. The voice that says I’m not good enough is bubbling up within me. I thought I had killed it, but apparently it was just dormant for a while. I’m lost in the pressures of society, the failure to properly pursue my dreams, never mind the inability to complete all daily tasks, and of course the overwhelming struggles with a chronic illness that is too new to have any concrete, sustaining solutions.

There is so much I should be doing today, while actually at home, but my brain is not helping. Having this day at home all I see is failure around me in the mess that has begun to accumulate again. The piles of laundry that are no longer under control, the sinks that fill as soon as they’re emptied, are all that never ending physical reminder that my attempts to gain control over things as minor as a clean house have been unsuccessful. All those moments of being so close to being done with organizing, purging, and cleaning get erased in those days of priorities elsewhere and the body crashes that prevent me from reaching that success. And although I know it’s a stupid thing to measure any sort of success by, it’s a visual reminder of how much I can no longer handle and balance.

Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps it’s that feeling of being unsuccessful in so many areas for so long that has me feeling so blah today. And although so much of it is completely out of my control, that doesn’t stop my brain from blaming me and seeing it as failure. Which then makes me feel ridiculous considering all the good things I have in my life, but today my brain hates me and is highlighting every area of my failures. It’s magnifying every set back and hurdle, making it that much harder to refocus on all that is good and what’s going right in my world. And it’s spiraling me with irrational fears of what ifs that are not based in reality.

Everything today is a reminder of what I can’t do, haven’t done, and still need to do. It’s overwhelming.

So for now, I’m going to post this for those of you beating yourself up too and remind you that we can only do what we can do. I’ll then throw in a load of laundry, stack the dishwasher, and go pick up my kids from school. And even if it doesn’t fix how I feel right now, it’s at least a step towards battling my brain and working to fight my ridiculous self standards; all in an attempt to make me feel like less of a failure than I do in this moment.