We make time for date nights with our kids where one parent takes one kid out to connect away from everything else at home. On those dates, it’s a chance for them to relax, talk, and not compete for attention with their siblings. It’s that moment of being the center of attention that builds them up and makes them feel seen and heard, and the benefits of it reflect back in our home every time.
Kids crave attention. They want to be able to share with you all the different things that they’re doing or they’re thinking about. And often when they feel like they’re not getting enough attention, then negative behaviours appear. Negative attention, for them, is still attention after all. By making dates with them individually, they get a chance to connect and reset and we see improvement in behaviour and their interactions with all those in the family as a result.
Our household rotates through each child going on a date with each parent over 4 to 6 weeks. For our family that is 6 different dates we schedule and cycle through. 7 if you count the parents only date that follows all that kid time! The oldest, a teen, loves that he can go watch a non-family friendly movie with his Dad and he loves restaurant dates with me where we crack jokes constantly. The youngest loves that both Mum and Dad will separately take him to the arcade and spend time with him playing the dinosaur game he loves. He told me today it’s one of his happy places. Our daughter likes to dress up and go for dinner with her Dad, while she loves to go adventuring in nature with me. No matter what we do with them though, whether they get to choose or we surprise them, they are left happy and beaming after being the main focus of attention during that time.
Apart from the positive mood and behaviour changes we see by doing this, there is also the benefit of keeping communication open. It allows us to ask open-ended questions and check in with how the kids are feeling about school, siblings, us, life, and anything else going on in their minds. There’s no interruptions, because it’s a one on one conversation. As a blended family, with multiple traumas in our history, communication is always essential to keep our world running as chaotically smooth as possible.
While writing this, I asked the kids for feedback on what these date nights mean to them. Our oldest, 13, said it makes him feel appreciated and noticed and the only sadness comes from when it’s over and he has to wait for the next time. Our daughter, 9, said it makes her feel happy, “like REALLY happy.” For her, spending that time is “just amazing! I have a father now who will take me out and take me places.” And our little one, 5, said it makes him feel happy and it’s fun.
When we’re in between these date nights, there’s other times that we can get in some one on one time too. Whether it’s a hot chocolate date before an appointment, or a trip to go pick new toothpaste, or some sort of errand, it’s all a chance for a solo connection moment that they thrive on. Likewise, we understand that sometimes the kids need to connect like it was before we blended our family too. So it may be me taking my biological kids out for dinner, while my husband takes his son for dinner somewhere else. It’s a moment for them to reflect on their needs at home while we connect and game plan solutions for any difficulties they’re feeling, and of course picking restaurants, food, and dessert adds bonus smiles to their faces. After we did this last night, the kids were refreshed when we got home and we could hear each kid telling each sibling they loved them before bed. Considering it’s spring break and they’re all home together, that’s a big win! Of course we make plenty of time for the whole family to come together. No matter how we’re connecting though, whether it’s two of us, some, or all, we find ways to authentically connect, keep strengthening our family bond, and keeping communication open.
Life is chaotic, so it’s important to make time for each other through the chaos. These one on one dates make the kids feel special and they love the opportunities. We still do lots of stuff as a family, but the date nights help us remain connected to each kid and foster healthy relationships where we can talk and have fun without interruptions. It helps the kids all feel seen, validated, and above all feeling loved by both of us. And it’s these interaction times that help make home easier as we navigate everything else impacting our world.
Continual Momentum 