I’ve kept your secret for years, upon years. I’m still keeping it. So many would have outed you for what you did. So many would have come at you from a place of anger. All these years, I have protected the truth so that you would not be seen as less than who you show others you are. But when I unexpectedly came across evidence that your lies were bigger than I ever knew and began years before the much smaller one I found out about, I have to question why I have allowed you to live unscathed by the truth. But the reality is, it’s not in my character to share the story. The highroad, although not always easy, maintains the integrity in which I live my life. And above all, I am protecting the hearts and reality of children. As I stayed silent over the years, it allowed you to make me out to be the issue to those who didn’t question your character, and it allowed you to avoid the truth and accountability; you knew I wasn’t one who would play that game of he said, she said with you. And as I sit here now knowing the more significant depth of the secret, I know more than ever that you never deserved me.
It took me a while to unlearn how you unapologetically made me feel during that time. It took longer to process and release the traumatic memories. At times, I still get flashes or have to realize a thought and moment of insecurity in my brain was because of that experience with you. It’s a continual process of unlearning. You never deserved the chance to create those types of feelings and memories, but my love for you then, blinded the reality. And at that time, my lack of love for myself made me accept it as the love I deserved. I am grateful for the gap in knowing you that has transformed so much of those years into a distant memory and a learning experience to avoid people like you having power over me again.
When more of the truth and reality of that time slapped me in the face recently, I wasn’t expecting it. I have long since moved on from that time. I never did go searching for more information then; I accepted your words as truth. I also didn’t need that additional pain and knowledge if there was more. In retrospect, I don’t think I would have been able to handle this new information then, so I am thankful for the time and space to not let this new information destroy me, like it once would have. But here I am, now knowing too much of what was happening when you shut me out, and still probably still not all of it as I shut down the chance to know even more. All this does is remind me you were never who you led me to believe you were. Those times after you left, where I questioned the reality of the relationship, I was right that my feelings were authentic, but yours never were. You don’t do what you did to people you care about. So you and the new knowledge can remain in my past because no amount of new knowledge will change the reality that you never really deserved me. What it did reassure me of is how thankful I am that the door is long since closed and grateful for how far I have come in my life since you.
The best part for me in this, is that as I faced the shock of new, unwelcomed knowledge, the love of my life reminded me of how amazing I am. He reassured me of his love. He hugged me until my pieces came back together and brought me back to the present moment. Of course, he does know the story and sees the damage that was left by you in certain moments of insecurity. But he embraces it all and reassures me my heart is safe with him as he puts on the bandaids over past trauma. With him, I have learned that I have always been worthy of the type of love he gives me. And he is the one finally deserving of me and the love I give.
Continual Momentum 