A few years ago, I sat down to properly reflect on the end of my twenty year relationship and look at the experience to determine what I had learned and needed to learn from it. While I was writing it, my next relationship of two years ended. So as I wrote, edited, reflected, and had massive epiphanies, it turned into a thirteen page document, almost 8000 words, about what happened, how I ended up in these unhealthy relationships, and intense self reflection of why I stayed. It was a hard and emotional process of putting myself under a microscope and asking difficult reflective questions, but the lessons I took away from it have benefited me greatly since.
Lesson #1: If You Don’t Grow Together You Grow Apart
My ex husband and I paired off young. Whereas, I tried to get him to do things with me and try new things from time to time, he chose to explore outside of our marriage. We went through all of our twenties together and that is such a foundational time for self evolution. Whereas I wanted to grow the stability of the home, he wanted to do as much as possible without me. Whereas I tried to communicate, he remained silent. Each of these things created greater distance between one of us fighting for connection and the other wanting independence. Our growth and evolution didn’t match our situation and it created major issues with how we wanted our future to look.
Lesson #2: Craving Love From Another Doesn’t Make Up For Not Loving Yourself
It’s easy to crave love from another to fulfil the love you don’t feel for yourself. This was my biggest hurdle in who I was in my marriage. My low self esteem played a huge part in my need for that connection and validation from my then husband. I wrote in my reflection, If we are loved we feel we don’t have to work at loving ourselves. In loving another we give it all instead of to ourselves. For me, loving him with everything I had was my way of giving him the love I couldn’t find for myself, but I craved that reciprocation and fought for recognition I was loved.
Lesson #3: I Gave Up Me For Him And It Broke Me
When the truth came out, I fought to save the marriage. But hearing the words, “I don’t love you anymore” and “The last time I remember loving you was our wedding day,” were daggers that ripped me apart. The end of this relationship broke me. A counsellor helped me see that I had given so much to him, to try and be that perfect wife, that I had left myself with nothing. My well being was based on my relationship, so when it ended, it broke me completely. So, he was only able to break me because I was broken long before by giving up all of me in the relationship.
Lesson #4: You Need To Keep Sight Of You
If you put so much into a relationship that you stop knowing who you are and stop doing things you love, you’re giving too much of yourself. Stop and redirect a bunch of that energy back to reclaiming you.
Lesson #5: The Power Of Your Strength Will Wow You
When you begin to put your shattered pieces back together, you find strength beyond what you thought you could ever muster. And as you work through the hurdles or grief, loss, and moving on, you discover this fight, resiliency, and strength that continues to grow throughout the process.
Lesson #6: Stay True To You And Don’t Hurt Another Who Hurt You
I was determined to not let his actions and choice change who I fundamentally am. I took the high road and remained focused on my integrity. I emotionally dealt with everything I needed to and moved my life forward. I didn’t drag his name through the mud. I didn’t get a lawyer. I never went after alimony. I stayed true to myself and worked with him to complete everything needed for the separation. I could have moved forward with hate and spite, but I choose to embrace my new start and freedom to rebuild a life for me and our children.
Lesson #7: Lean On Others and Ask For Help
I’m stubborn and my ability to learn to ask for help was critical to moving me forward. I called on help from others and was blessed with many people who surrounded me with support and help. For someone who tried to do everything herself, it was a dose of reality that certain things we cannot do alone and we need to ask for help. I couldn’t have survived and moved on how I did without others to lean on.
Lesson #8: The End Of A Relationship Can Be A Gift
I didn’t realize it in that moment, but in the time that followed I realized how much of a gift I had been given to start my life over and find me again independent of anyone else. I have nothing but gratitude for him leaving me and have used the time since to fully redefine me and what I want for my life. (Read: Thank You For Leaving Me)
Lesson #9: Focusing On My Own Needs
All the things I had put off to be a wife and mother, I started to make happen. I bought a cello and took lessons, got back into kickboxing, and learned how to make sure I was taking care of myself, so I could better take care of my kids too. I had always put me last until this restart. I reclaimed myself in this process.
Lesson #10: The Future Can’t Be Planned
I’ve always been a chronic planner and overthinker so to release my hold on the future was such a freeing experience. For the first time ever I didn’t map out the next goal and deadline. I focused on living with the understanding that everything can change in a moment.
Lesson #11: It Takes Vulnerability To Love Again
So much vulnerability is needed to step back into the dating world after the end of a long term relationship and/or after being hurt. Your emotions will overwhelm you at times with fears, doubts, and trauma, but it’s your own superpower to take that step forward into opportunities in love.
Lesson #12: Sometimes Patterns Repeat Till We Figure Out Why
When I started to date again, I probably should have continued to focus on my own growth more to truly build a more secure foundation of myself. I constantly looked and compared this new person to my ex. I was terrified of making the same mistakes in my choice of person and being hurt again. I questioned so much and overthought everything. I used this to redefine who I wanted to be in a relationship moving forward and although the pattern turned out similar in the end, it allowed me to figure out a deeper understanding of how I got stuck in this situation again and fix it for my future.
Lesson #13: I Learned To Speak Up
My thoughts and feelings were constantly shut down and made to seem more of an annoyance when married. It taught me to fear speaking up. I was terrified for a long time that in speaking up about how I felt it would lead him to leave me. By the next relationship, I realized if someone were to leave me for speaking up, he wasn’t the right man for me.
Lesson #14: I Was A Chronic Fixer
I’ve been a chronic fixer for others most of my life. I realized that my need to fix and help was a form of me feeling wanted and loved. I learned through this relationship that being needed is not equal to someone loving you.
Lesson #15: Fixing My Relationship With Me
If I spend the time and fix the relationship with my physical self that would mean finally loving me if I equated fixing with love. I was able to spend time single and fix the relationship with myself following this lesson.
Lesson #16: They Weren’t Failed Relationships, They Were Learning Experiences
Throughout this journey, everything I learned in the second relationship I would stop, analyze and decide “is this something I can live with? Is this too much like my previous relationship? Will this work with my kids?” And continued to check in with myself. I took the time to learn from the experiences to continue to improve myself. Just reading through this article, you can see how much I’ve learned based on these experiences, because it keeps me evolving into the best version of me.
Lesson #17: Look At How You’ve Improved
From the brokenness when my marriage ended to the bounce back when the next relationship ended, I was so proud of how I had evolved back to a place of resilience and strength. My dependency on connection in my marriage had shifted in the next relationship and I was happier with who I was with someone else. Rather than fighting to save a relationship that was hurting me, I now walked away choosing myself first. That’s huge growth. I was also still putting energy into things I love rather than giving up me for someone else.
Lesson #18: If They Don’t Make Time For You, It’s Their Loss.
This was a pattern in both relationships. If someone doesn’t make time for you, it is absolutely NOT a reflection on who you are, but on who they are and it is their loss.
Lesson #19: Walk Away When Your Needs Are Repeatedly Not Being Met
If I spend so much time reflecting on a relationship and being upset by things, then there are bigger issues and I need to stop questioning and walk away if things aren’t improving quickly. I gave over 20 years to men who left me doubting their love and commitment. If you’ve communicated your needs and someone still isn’t listening, they never will no matter how much you communicate and want them too. They’re not the right person for you.
Lesson #20: You Can’t Change Someone And Need To Accept Who They Are
People will show you who they are. You can hope something will change and get better, but unless that person actually wants to change, they won’t. If there are that many things that bother you that you need to change for a relationship to work, this person is the wrong match and it’s time to go.
Lesson #21: Don’t Compromise Your Integrity For Another
Lying and cheating meant the relationship was over for me. However, I decided to work on the relationship instead of walk away when this happened, more than once, and it compromised who I am. I wish I hadn’t stayed with the disrespect I was enduring, but I did. When it happened in another relationship, I walked away immediately and felt more empowered for following my integrity.
Lesson #22: You Don’t Need Control For Success
I realized I can be successful in a relationship without having to control every outcome. Release of full control over situations is such a freeing experience and has made me a better person because of it.
Lesson #23: Trusting After Trauma
I can trust beyond the trauma experienced. That ability to remove who someone else was to you and focus on who someone else is, shows the ability to not blame others for someone else’s mistakes. Each person is their own person and should not be judged based on the trauma created by someone else. We need to trust again to authentically love again.
Lesson #24: Who Someone Is With Me Shows Me Who They Will Be For My Kids
If a man can’t be the stable person in my life, they have no point being around my kids.
Lesson #25: Never Settle For Less Than You Deserve
I wrote in my long reflection, “I will NEVER settle for less than I am worth and deserve again. In both relationships I have deserved way more, because I know exactly who I am in a relationship and what I can give.” I made a list at the end of the reflection of everything I deserve in a relationship and did not allow someone into my life again until they matched that list.
The end of my marriage taught me about self growth and learning that I mattered. It taught me that I need to put my own needs ahead of others and maintain my integrity. The end of the other relationship taught me more about who I wanted to be in a relationship and what I truly deserved moving forward. It forced me into an evolution of loving myself and determining what I truly deserve in relationships. When we look at what we’ve been through, there are so many lessons that will help us not repeat patterns and improve our path ahead. And my favourite part of looking back on the reflection and lessons from loving the wrong people, it led me to the right one.
Continual Momentum 