Normally when people I know pass away, I find a need to write about their impact on my life as a way to process them no longer being here. But, right now I am faced with the conundrum of how to approach this one considering I had blocked this person, and everyone associated with him, from my world years ago. I tossed and turned last night, because the reality is that as much as he caused trauma to my world and so many others, he also was the catalyst for many changes in my life. So in that regard, this is not to pay honour, but more to reflect on how he influenced massive changes in my life, because I learned through knowing him how much more I deserved in my life.
Yesterday I received the news that he committed suicide. I don’t know the why. I don’t know the how. And I don’t need to know any details; just that he is gone. His legacy left behind are dozens, if not hundreds, of women who had been manipulated and used for whatever his purpose was with them. Labelled a narcissist by many, he had a steady stream of women who didn’t know about each other as he juggled each pretending they each were in a committed, monogamous relationship with him. At least one restraining order, a breach of probation, and a thick file of other mistakes, he preyed on the insecure, desperate, easy to manipulate, and overall the vulnerable in his conquest to hurt the women who entered his life. He would tell them what they wanted to hear to rope them into the idea of a dream life they were searching to find. Kids? Sure. Marriage? Yes Travel? Let’s do it. Whatever it was they wanted, he’d make them believe it came as a package deal through loving him. But for me it was different. I didn’t know what I wanted after the end of a 20 year relationship. The only relationship I had ever known. So there were no dream strings to pull to make me dance for him like the others.
What he did have with me though was my low self esteem and desire to feel loved after being castaway so brutally by my ex husband. He had a woman desperate for someone who would love her kids like she would while they suffered from the changes in their father. He had someone who felt she didn’t deserve the world, because how she had been treated before had left her still unknowing of what actual love should be. And so he had me; I stayed. For 2 years of just enough to keep me hanging on, but not enough to make me feel we were moving forward, I stayed. Like I had done in my marriage, I stayed beyond all red flags I had not yet learned were a thing, and I put myself second to make a relationship succeed again. I gave, and gave until exhaustion with still minimal in return.
But our few and far between dates were fantastic and filled with beautiful, stupid moments and they kept me clinging for more. He’s the reason I fell in love with kayaking and when he taught me to navigate the ocean it led to a couple of adventures. One where he didn’t pull his kayak up high enough, so as we sat talking on the beach of an island, the tide rising, we eventually went back to where we came to shore to find his kayak had started to float away. As I doubled over laughing watching it float further away, he ran, leaving a trail of electronics, keys, and shoes on the beach, and launching himself into my kayak to get his and bring them both back safely to shore. Another trip, we ended up in a type of quicksand and I sank, getting fully stuck up to my knees in the sand. As he helped pull me free, my shoe got left under and my foot came up with such force it kicked the sand all over him from head to toe. Once again leaving me laughing as I drove home barefooted. Then there was the bear that came out behind us on a beach, or when he wore the wrong shoes on a walk and ended up hobbling in bare feet for 6 km. No matter what, they were dates filled with memories I treasured and it was nice to have someone who would actually do things with me, when he could fit me into the rotating schedule of women I didn’t know existed behind the scenes anyway.
Behind the scenes, he manipulated many of us. Had his rotation of “Good Morning, Beautiful” messages he would send each of us to not mix up our names. When I discovered the truth I ended things immediately, changed my locks, blocked him and his family, reflected and moved my life forward. I wrote about how it all unraveled in a different article. I don’t need to relive it again in his death.
So when everything unravelled I was in the process of reflecting on the end of my marriage and it just continued into reflecting on how I ended up in another relationship with a liar. I spent many days, wrote over 10,000 words, and uncovered my patterns and what I needed to do to fix them and not end up in a relationship like this again. He was the catalyst that led me to finally sitting down and writing the list of what I deserve in a relationship. He was the reason for me understanding what red flags are and warning signs I had missed that I’d never miss again. He was the evolution of who I was in a relationship, and I loved a lot of who I was with him, minus my overthinking spirals. I had learned to let go of many things that had bothered me in my marriage in this relationship. And one of my favourite ones, is I didn’t stick around when the lies and infidelity were uncovered this time. There were no second or third chances. I was strong enough to walk away and not look back. A huge step in my evolution. And after the relationship ended, I spent time working on me, loving me, and learning more of who I am independent of another so that no one would be able to manipulate and use me again.
I often thought about why I stayed so long with him. But deep down, I didn’t want to have another failed relationship, so I endured despite the lack of fulfilment in most of the relationship. And as I told the girl who was the catalyst for how everything unravelled, if me staying that long in the relationship meant she knew sooner, it was worth it to free her and many others that day from the lies and manipulation we were living in.
In the end, that relationship led me to such a beautiful healthy relationship with myself and my future husband. And I’m often in awe of the timeline that led me to someone who meets everything and more on my list of what I deserve in a relationship. Had I not met my ex boyfriend and stayed as long as I did, I would not have met one of his other secret girlfriends. As I worked on my evolution to avoid the wrong men again, his other — now ex — girlfriend added me to a singles group online. It was through my engagement and activities I hosted for singles in that group that led me to the man I am with now. The man who is the embodiment of my what I deserve in a relationship list and so much more.
I and the other women never deserved what was done to us. Those who were harassed, slandered, had images leaked, their stuff destroyed and more, have suffered greatly through his actions. Including the pain of caring about his three children who were trained to lie and hide the truth from each woman rotating through. My trauma was already there from my marriage, and he just amplified parts of it more, but he also gave me moments of feeling seen and validated, even if it was for the purposes of manipulation. As I process his death, I am void of emotion, but need to honour how my experiences with him changed me for the better. I know there will be a new peace for many of his other previous victims though. And above all, there will be peace in his death that comes from knowing he can’t continue to deliver trauma to the vulnerable who are only ever looking to be loved beyond how they feel they actually deserve.
Continual Momentum 