I was young the first time I heard an adult family member tell a child in our family they were fat. It felt so different than those times you hear someone say you’re smart, funny, or adorable. This felt hurtful and I could see the disappointment and hurt in the young family member about what was said. I remember being glad it wasn’t said to me.

But then when I was growing up, it was my turn to be called this word. It was always meant in a negative way. Whether it was having a family member grab a softer section of my body and tell me I was “putting on the beef”, or another child trying to bring me down with that one word, it all left an impact that haunted me for most of my life and became that foundation of what defined me as me.

I was an adult, when a group of kids made fun of me while swimming. They circled me in the water, splashed me, and used that word as I tried to just enjoy swimming. I was also an adult when the two guys stood at the side of the track I was running laps on to call out this word and other insults. I was an adult when I learned I could tell those certain family members, criticizing my body, that I had lost five pounds, even if I had gained weight, and it would get them to encourage me to keep going, but made them leave me alone on that visit.

It’s now that I fight with my doctor to see past my body, and understand I’m active and my blood tests are clear, so my issues are not size related. It’s not fatty liver, diabetes, cholesterol, thyroid, and whatever else she wants to blame before I can convince her to look for an issue beyond size.

Throughout my life that word was hurled at me as if it was my only defining characteristic. The result of having it spewed at me while growing up haunted who I became. The choices I made based on that title impacted so much of my life and held me back from so many opportunities for fears others would condemn me with that label too. And I know I’m not alone and so many of us have had a distorted view of ourselves based on others condemning us for this physical attribute.

When we’re young and called fat, it distorts your ability to see your true self. Who we see in the mirror, how we feel in our skin, what we look like in pictures, it’s all altered in our brain and we lose the ability to see and know our actual self. As we get older, this continues to distort and cloud the lens in which we view ourselves. Some people feel they are “helping” by pointing out this fact about your body, as if them notifying you of this one thing will be the turning point for you “getting your life together and losing the extra weight”. You could be the most kind, loving, educated person in the world, but someone feels the need to define you because of some extra fat on your body. And as you grow, the defeated feeling of being stuck and defined as this label truly kicks in. That increased feeling that you are unworthy and unlovable because of your appearance takes hold. And that urge to become invisible from society increases when you’re constantly condemned for how you look.

One of the many side effects is that desire to not draw attention to yourself. The choice to not participate in activities for fear you’re too big or someone will be disgusted to be partnered with you rules your thinking. In elementary school, our end of year camping trip involved having to get every student through an obstacle course, and when we reached one where we would have to lift people through, I faked being ill to leave and not participate. In high school, I refused to take part in a Valentine’s Day matchmaker school activity for fear someone would get my name and be horrified when they saw me. At that time, I was kickboxing 5 days a week, but I was still getting called fat from family members and other students. And as I continued to age, I refused to participate in more activities in life out of this same fear of being seen as the fat person and being ridiculed because of it. I was almost 40 when I first got into a kayak. I fell in love with it and would spend hours out paddling. I had the opportunity years before, but that fear that I would be too big and I’d need the help of others to get me out overtook my desire to try at that time. So many years of my life were wasted from doing something I loved because of how I was made to feel about myself. While writing this, I saw someone post their fear of wanting to travel again, but that fear of needing a seat extender with recent weight gain held them back. There is so much we stop ourselves from doing because of that title others have condemned us with. The shame, the fear, the hurt created from others’ judgement holds so many of us back from living.

Another side effect from defining people by this label is on self esteem and mental health. Many of us grow up feeling unworthy and unlovable because of this one defining trait. That feeling of self hate for how you look and the struggles to maintain or lose weight to fit society’s norms are overpowering. Take a look at how many people, who have been labeled as fat, hide behind the camera and are the ones taking photos. Watch for how they maneuver themselves in a group picture to be as unseen as possible. They may take less food than they want at a family gathering, or just not eat in front of others for fear of further ridicule. Anything that heightens that feeling of body insecurity, becomes a constant juggle to avoid or alter for self preservation. Any evidence that highlights what others have told them, makes them fear or avoid that situation.

With mental health, whether it swings you into depression or isolation, heightens anxieties, becomes the catalyst for eating disorders, or so much more, the impact of this word has a far greater reach than anyone realizes who spouts it to others. Many of us learn to laugh it off and make self deprecating jokes. Others will isolate and cry. Some will go to binge eating as a way to self soothe the crushing feelings of being condemned. And if you think even the smallest comment about weight can’t impact mental health, I watched a child being called the “chubby ballerina” grow into a teenager hospitalized for an eating disorder. All of this can be ignited just from that three letter word being used by others to criticize someone.

Society continues to define our world based on beauty stereotypes. Our world has shifted over the last few years where curvy has become beautiful again. When I was growing up it was the skinny, bones showing, person who was highlighted as the standard of beauty. But we have to stop defining beauty based on the shape of someone’s body and the symmetry of their face. I’ve been enjoying the celebrities who have been calling people out for fat shaming, but also know that this creates a bigger target on their backs. Their ability to be vulnerable makes them an online target for many who still try to destroy others based on the word fat. No one should ever have to defend themselves for their appearance. No one should ever be made to feel less than others because of how they look. And the damages because of it are far beyond what anyone who has never experienced it could understand.

When you call someone fat, you are taking away their ability to see themselves for all that they are. You destroy their mindset and create feelings of failure and self hate. You block their brain from seeing who they truly are and the lens in which they see themselves becomes distorted. And for those that try to change their appearance, your voice rings louder than their own, and it becomes difficult for them to be successful. Many people will pump ridiculous amounts of money into diet plans, products, surgeries just trying to remove that label you have embedded in their skin. Failure to succeed from those attempts spiral people further, usually leading to increased weight gain, depression, and feelings of unworthiness. We have to stop calling people fat, or any other judgmental label that makes them feel less than who they are. The impacts of that one word can alter someone’s life so much that they stop trying new things, they hide, or end up making unhealthier choices to cope instead of heal. Someone’s size is no one’s business but their own, so even if you think of making a comment, put yourself on silent and think about how much damage you will unintentionally or intentionally inflict because of a three letter word.